Have you ever struggled with your sex life? Not just the act of sex, but the marital politics of sex?
Common Sexual Politics of a Married Couple
Here’s what I believe to be a common internal refrain for many married women in mid-life.
My husband doesn’t satisfy my need for a soul-mate… someone I can have intimate conversations with. Really, the only time we talk is when there’s conflict. What I want is a partner with whom I can talk about my feelings and beliefs and desires.
But with my husband? None of that. The distance between us feels like a chasm. I feel painfully alone even (especially) when we’re together.
So when he wants sex, I’m not in the mood. When all we are is angry with each other, that’s not conducive to my feeling sexy. When we are better at being unkind than kind to one another, why in heaven’s name should I want to have sex with him?
I know he’s hungry for sex. And I know he feels rejected when I turn him down. But for me, sex doesn’t work well when it’s only physical. It’s got to be more than that.
This morning, I had coffee with a young friend of mine and when I asked her how she and her husband were doing, out came her version of the story above.
I just want to be able to talk to him.
She said this with tears in her eyes. Then she added:
The only kind of intimacy he knows is sexual.
What to Do? Set a Regular Date for Sex
I remember when that refrain pounded in my mind. When every day that question about sex somehow tainted every interaction I had with my husband. And I had a suggestion for my young friend.
Though women through the centuries have withheld sex as a potent form of control, it’s better for a marriage if you can find a way to remove the possibility that one partner or the other will be rejected. One way to do that is to set regular dates for sex.
You might tie your sex dates to the phases of the moon, or particular days and times of the month. When you make an agreement and stick to it, the anxieties over sex go down. It may seem cold and calculating, but it can be very helpful.
No longer will the whether-or-not question be on both of your minds every day. You’ll know. It’s Friday — time for sex!
Shift the Conversation and Have Some Fun
You can take it a step farther by assigning one partner or the other the job of setting the tone of the date on a particular day.
For example, a partner might decide to cook a wonderful dinner to set the mood, or get a baby sitter and a hotel room, or strew the bed with rose petals. You might also think about costumes or a host of other experimental opportunities. You might alternate who gets to design your sex date. You can set rules of engagement that work for you both. (I’ll bet your partner will be happy to talk about that with you! :))
When you shift your question from whether or not you’ll have sex to when and how you might turn it into a creatively planned event, the corrosive sexual politics will likely recede.
Will you be able to find your conversational soul-mate? Perhaps. But even if you don’t, a creative partnership isn’t a bad substitute.
ThisTry Planning a Regular Sex Date
Talk to your partner about planning a specific regular day and time for sex and inject a little creativity into the occasion to have some fun. Without any resentment or strings attached, you might very well find a much more intimate relationship — both sexually and emotionally.
Could this work for your marriage? Share your thoughts in the comments below. Or head on over to Facebook and share your ideas there.
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